Good god, it's been like three weeks since I last blogged! Okay, Christmas got in the way, as did the bastard feddies who want to know what did I know and when did I know it when my boss at Drexel Burnham Lambert was arrested this spring for...oh, wait, I'm not allowed to comment. Well anyway right while I was in the middle of shopping and trying to track down the cool cell phone for my Mom, which would have been like THE status gift of the year, I got subpoenaed. So I had to appear in court. Which totally sucked. And I didn't have time to buy Mom a cell phone. (Maybe not such a bad thing. Keep in mind "cool cell phone" in 1987 is something that is roughly the size and weight of a building cement block. And I really can't get over the tiny little gadgets people have in the 21st century. I mean, we are light years away from cool iPhone apps, you know? So, like, why the hell bother, right? I mean, if she can hold out for another 26 years I can just buy her an iPhone, right? That would make her, like, <quick lightning-speed mental math calculation> 74 years old. Yeah, there's a good chance she'll make it!)
So what happened while I was gone? Well New York got snowed in big-time over Christmas and I hear the two airports here were gummed up beyond all recognition. So right after you got crotch-groped you got to spend the night in Terminal 1, I understand. I think I will do all my traveling before 2001, thank you.
That WikiLeaks bastard is out of jail which pisses me off, and the fact that he's going to embarrass Bank of America next pisses me off even more. Why haven't we hung 'im high by his balls for selling us all out to the enemies of America? I suppose this is some liberal plot to expose America's weaknesses so the terrorists and Rooskies can just run roughshod over all our treasured liberties. Now that I think about it, maybe it's good that Homeland Security gropes peoples' groins to make air travel more of a traumatic experience. Because, you know, if people travel less, they'll be in America more, and maybe they'll finally grasp that they live in the greatest country in the world if they're not allowed to experience for themselves the horrors of socialized Scandinavia or potsmoking Canada or, most horrific of all, prostitutes for the pickin' in Amsterdam!
At any rate, I hope you had a good old-fashioned red-white-and-blue Ronald Reagan Christmas, and told off that idiot Uncle Joe who was carrying on like a senile old fool about how American troops shouldn't be defending our freedoms in Grenada Iraq. I can't stand that relative, can you? I mean, every family has one. You know, some old geezer who's so old he can remember when The Beatles were totally new, and who's always yammering on about how Republicans have gone over to the Dark Side or something. Like, whatever, Uncle Joe, Star Wars references are totally lame even in 1987. I hope he lives long enough to see his fundamentalist friends in Saudi Arabia trashing New York in 2001.
The best news for 2011 so far is my book is coming out shortly! Keep an eyeball peeled.
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