Haven't blogged in a week because I had to go home for Thanksgiving. Home is not, unfortunately, upstate New York or Connecticut for us, it's out in the middle of the Godforsaken Midwest with corn and pigs and country music and people who say "I have to worsh my car before I go to Worshington." It's where I went to school and it's a cross I must bear because my mother refuses to live anywhere near those 'pointy-headed liberal elites' in the East. Well I can't blame her for that, but it means we have to put up with door-to-door used god salesmen in their starchy white shirts and spiffy white socks who want to give us a Watchtower or explain to us in excruciating detail why exactly we're going to hell.
Thanksgiving was good, all turkey and cranberry sauce and smashed potatoes and yams and this thing called ribbon salad which my cousin makes which is different thin layers of red and green Jell-o and some white stuff which isn't Jello but which makes it all look like a candy cane, sort of. And there were several pies afterward - key lime, pumpkin, apple, and something called 'sour cream and raisin pie' which is as disgusting as it sounds and is what you have to put up with when your family is from the Midwest and not a nice normal state like New York. Believe me, kids, I am glad to be back.
I can't travel to the future from the heart of Jesusland because there are no open portals there, although I was sorely tempted to call Hacker and ask him to open one up. There is nothing to do in the Midwest, let me tell you. At least it was only for four days that I had to put up with all this family values crap. It's not that I don't love my family - I do - but really, the only ones I actually want to see are my parents. I've got one cousin who's pregnant with her fourth child and I can't remember how many baby daddies she has anymore, another who has only two, by her one and only husband, but we like to call them Rosemary's Babies behind her back, and then there's my Uncle Lester with the perpetual sinus problems who periodically goes into the bathroom and makes these really weird honking noises to clear them.
My Aunt Jessie insisted on watching A Waltons Thanksgiving Reunion which just about made me hurl from the saccharine-ness of it but she just thinks The Waltons is about the best family TV series ever made, ever, and last year she made us watch practically the whole first season on DVD (she's got the whole collection, natch). I have exactly one relative who is, technically speaking, normal, and that's Quinn, who has a high-powered financial career like me except in Chicago instead of New York, so we mostly hung out at our end of the table and talked about how great the mid-term elections turned out and how the Republicans will finally put an end to Obama's mad plan to socialize America.
So, now I'm back, in nice safe New York and also in 2010, on occasion, and I will be back to ripping the Democraps a new one every time they try to sneak some socialism past Senator Alan Simpson. I am also putting the final touches on my book Young Republican, Yuppie Princess and still hope to have it out by Christmas.
So I hope you had a happy Thanksgiving, as we can now look forward to a brave new world of lower taxes, lower deficits, and lower unemployment! Brought to you by the Grand Old Party of 2010!!!
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