WHERE'S REAGAN? A Time-Tripping '80s Yuppie Asks WTF Happened To America

Get half-excited for Middle Eastern democracy!

Now who'da thunk this?  Middle Easterners - Arabs - MUSLIMS! - are agitating for freedom!  For democracy!  For liberty!  WTF?!?!  I thought these people were married to violence and autocracy.  It's one of the few times in my life I'm actually happy be proven wrong about something.  (Mark your calendars, this is an important day - it doesn't happen often ;)

Wow, first Tunisia, then Egypt - I remember when that @#$% Mubarak became Prez after Sadat's assassintion - which happened because too many insane religious whack jobs were pissed off about Sadat's peace accord with Israel a few years earlier.  Which was just proof, I thought, that Muslims just couldn't handle freedom.  I mean, if they'd deny it to others - like Israel's right to freedom from terrorism and open hostility - how could they possibly be free themselves?  Well denial really was just a river in Egypt, especially when it came to Israel's right to exist.

But, that was thirty years ago and Elvis has finally left the building, on that too-long-idling plane.  Buh-bye, Hoz!  Cya!  TTYL!  Don't let the door hitcha inna ass on the way out!

Now Bahrain is up in arms.  And Syria.  And Iran.  Even Libya!  I ask again, WTF?!?!  I thought Terrorist Boy ran that country with a cast-iron fist!  Boy there's just no stopping people when they've got their hearts set on freedom, huh?  Wouldn't it be cool if Gaddaffi was kicked out on his insane terrorist ass?  Okay, lots of experts think that's never gonna happen, but we can dream.  Hey, I'm from 1987 and I still can't get my head around the fact that the Berlin Wall is gonna fall and that Communism in Eastern Europe will die with it.  People soooo don't believe me in 1987 when I tell them that the Berlin Wall is going to fall very soon.  They say I'm a dreamer and on drugs and that I'm beginning to sound dangerously liberal.  And you know, if I was them I'd think so too, but hey, I know otherwise.

The only thing that makes me only half-excited about the Middle Eastern Revolution is the fact that I strongly suspect this is only half a revolution, really.  This freedom shit, this is just for the men, right?  I assume it's not for the women.  Revolutions are never about the women, only the men. 

And, I admit I'm still waiting to see if, once the dust has settled and the smoke has cleared, whether democracy really takes hold anywhere.  There's a part of me that still thinks that probably Islamic extremism is going to take hold like it always seems to every time a Muslim dictator is overthrown.  Look what happened to Iraq - I have to admit, while the U.S. definitely did the right thing getting rid of Saddam, we didn't plan very well for the freedom thing.  Granted, I suspect bringing democracy to Muslims is like trying to teach a pig to sing.  First, the pig has got to want to sing...

Still, I hope you guys prove me wrong.  I really, seriously do.  The Middle East is so better off without all the damn authoritarianism.  And don't let those nutty extremists take over either; they're about as committed to liberty as the Tunisian secret police.

Good luck guys!  And ladies, see if you can at least get the newly-liberated to at least let you walk aruond in the desert sun in something more uncomfortable than a black chador...

Glenn Beck doesn't kill people, insane nutbags kill people!

Enough already with the liberati claiming that conservative commentary caused the attempted assassination of Senator Giffords!  The guy that shot her and killed that poor little girl was a nutbag who walked into Wal-Mart, the Discount Store of Champions, and purchased a gun.  Now I'm all in favor of gun rights but NOT for everyone - I don't want them in the hands of criminals, terrorists, or insane conspiracy-addled whack jobs!  (And, I'll admit, there's an argument to be made potentially against Dick Cheney).

However, let's be clear on exactly what does kill people - PEOPLE, not guns!  Well okay, people wielding guns - but only when they're aimed at other people!  My father has a gun and he's only aimed it at enemy quail.  Maybe the occasional turkey at Thanksgiving.  And I have a gun too - a sleek little Beretta to handle anyone who tries to break into my townhouse and have their way with Yours Truly.  I've faced down the business end of a barrel and that is the LAST time that will ever happen, I can promise you!

So it's not Glenn Beck, or Rush Limbaugh, or even Sarah Palin's cute little crosshairs on a map that sent some whack job over the edge - it was something else!  Probably something he read, or a movie he watched, or some stupid video game.  Weren't those Columbine kids into Natural Born Killers?  Woody Harrelson caused Columbine!  Didn't John Hinckley watch Taxi Driver?  Robert DeNiro must have indirectly shot Reagan!  Or maybe Jodie Foster since Hinckley was supposedly in love with her.  Hey, you wonder if anyone ever told him that she's since come out of the closet?

So knock off the blame game, you stupid liberals!  You wanna blame something for violence?  Why don't you ask your friends the terrorists what book they read just before they blow up buildings or pizza parlors? 

No, I haven't been arrested...I've been stuck in 1987!

Good god, it's been like three weeks since I last blogged!  Okay, Christmas got in the way, as did the bastard feddies who want to know what did I know and when did I know it when my boss at Drexel Burnham Lambert was arrested this spring for...oh, wait, I'm not allowed to comment.  Well anyway right while I was in the middle of shopping and trying to track down the cool cell phone for my Mom, which would have been like THE status gift of the year, I got subpoenaed.  So I had to appear in court.  Which totally sucked.  And I didn't have time to buy Mom a cell phone.  (Maybe not such a bad thing.  Keep in mind "cool cell phone" in 1987 is something that is roughly the size and weight of a building cement block.  And I really can't get over the tiny little gadgets people have in the 21st century.  I mean, we are light years away from cool iPhone apps, you know?  So, like, why the hell bother, right?  I mean, if she can hold out for another 26 years I can just buy her an iPhone, right?  That would make her, like, <quick lightning-speed mental math calculation> 74 years old.  Yeah, there's a good chance she'll make it!)

So what happened while I was gone?  Well New York got snowed in big-time over Christmas and I hear the two airports here were gummed up beyond all recognition.  So right after you got crotch-groped you got to spend the night in Terminal 1, I understand.  I think I will do all my traveling before 2001, thank you.

That WikiLeaks bastard is out of jail which pisses me off, and the fact that he's going to embarrass Bank of America next pisses me off even more.  Why haven't we hung 'im high by his balls for selling us all out to the enemies of America?  I suppose this is some liberal plot to expose America's weaknesses so the terrorists and Rooskies can just run roughshod over all our treasured liberties.  Now that I think about it, maybe it's good that Homeland Security gropes peoples' groins to make air travel more of a traumatic experience. Because, you know, if people travel less, they'll be in America more, and maybe they'll finally grasp that they live in the greatest country in the world if they're not allowed to experience for themselves the horrors of socialized Scandinavia or potsmoking Canada or, most horrific of all, prostitutes for the pickin' in Amsterdam!

At any rate, I hope you had a good old-fashioned red-white-and-blue Ronald Reagan Christmas, and told off that idiot Uncle Joe who was carrying on like a senile old fool about how American troops shouldn't be defending our freedoms in Grenada Iraq.  I can't stand that relative, can you?  I mean, every family has one.  You know, some old geezer who's so old he can remember when The Beatles were totally new, and who's always yammering on about how Republicans have gone over to the Dark Side or something.  Like, whatever, Uncle Joe, Star Wars references are totally lame even in 1987.  I hope he lives long enough to see his fundamentalist friends in Saudi Arabia trashing New York in 2001. 

The best news for 2011 so far is my book is coming out shortly!  Keep an eyeball peeled. 

Wikileaks guy arrested, tax cuts extended & other happy holiday gifts!

Man, what a great holiday season it's turning out to be!  I've barely had time to blog I've been so busy shopping at Saks and Zabar's and Lord & Taylor for my fam and peeps.  And I've got quite a wish list of my own which I've distributed to same, as well as Bentley, my Man O' The Week, who works at Goldman Sachs and so far hasn't been indicted.  And my book Young Republican, Yuppie Princess should be out shortly, although not, unfortunately, in time for Christmas, but no matter, you can read it in January when it's cold and dark and snowy and spring seems light-years away.

That traitorous Julian "Wikileaks" Assange turned himself in to police this week!  What a wonderful Christmas gift, maybe now authorities can put an end to this dirty little spy's antics.  It's just appalling to me that he's been able to get away this long with spilling so many hundreds of thousands of state secrets.  Although I don't really know why I need to know that the French president is egotistical or that Vladimir "Comrade" Putin is an "alpha dog."  Well of course he is, that's why he's a world leader!  Aren't they all?

Oops, forgot about our own world leader, who's more of a whipped puppy than an alpha dog - Commiebama did the right thing for a change (Call the doctor!  Is he sick???) and agreed to extend the Bush tax cuts for the rich.  Really, I can't imagine why Americans wouldn't support this - where are we without the rich?  Who creates all those jobs for America?  Who is handing out all those nice fat exec compensation checks to keep Ferrari and Veuve Clicquot in business?

Man, it's going to be a great holiday season.  And now we can count down the days until Commiebama's out of office and the Party of Lincoln and Ronald Reagan takes over the country completely and makes America safe once again for capitalism and liberty!!!

Get groped for freedom and liberty!

Enough already with the whining about full-body scans and occasional patdowns of your naughty bits.  Blame the terrorists if you have a problem with this.  They're the ones who thought it would be a great idea to blow up a plane with their underwear.

Look, I'm not thrilled about it either but I have to fly sometimes and I just deal with it.  I'd rather give the Homeland Security folks a thrill with my hot naked X-rays or even submit to a bit of lesbo love if it means they catch an actual BVDs Bomber.  Sometimes, the loss of liberty is the price you have to pay for freedom!

My only kvetch with the full-body scans is that they're somewhat less full-body than advertised.  They don't, after all, penetrate into your deepest bowels which means, of course, that the next terrorist attack - hopefully unsuccessful - will involve swallowing explosives and detonating them somehow.  I hear you can do that now with cell phones - use them to set off a bomb.  Hey, why are we still allowed to carry cell phones on airplanes?!?!

I guess the full-body scans are kind of embarrassing if you have a less-than-hot body, which isn't a problem for me, of course, but hey, a fat guy can blow up a plane just as easily as anyone else.  And there's always the danger that they'll wind up on some porn site somewhere, although why anyone would want to look at X-rays of your average American is beyond me.  I have to wonder if we're paying HS personnel enough to do this.

REAL Americans won't have a problem with this.  Only freedom-hating terrorist sympathizers will bitch and moan.  And hey, if you haven't had any 'action' in awhile maybe you'll get lucky and get a free grope!  Maybe you should even ask for a phone number  ;)

I'm thankful there are fewer Democraps in Congress!

Haven't blogged in a week because I had to go home for Thanksgiving.  Home is not, unfortunately, upstate New York or Connecticut for us, it's out in the middle of the Godforsaken Midwest with corn and pigs and country music and people who say "I have to worsh my car before I go to Worshington."  It's where I went to school and it's a cross I must bear because my mother refuses to live anywhere near those 'pointy-headed liberal elites' in the East.  Well I can't blame her for that, but it means we have to put up with door-to-door used god salesmen in their starchy white shirts and spiffy white socks who want to give us a Watchtower or explain to us in excruciating detail why exactly we're going to hell.

Thanksgiving was good, all turkey and cranberry sauce and smashed potatoes and yams and this thing called ribbon salad which my cousin makes which is different thin layers of red and green Jell-o and some white stuff which isn't Jello but which makes it all look like a candy cane, sort of.  And there were several pies afterward - key lime, pumpkin, apple, and something called 'sour cream and raisin pie' which is as disgusting as it sounds and is what you have to put up with when your family is from the Midwest and not a nice normal state like New York.  Believe me, kids, I am glad to be back.

I can't travel to the future from the heart of Jesusland because there are no open portals there, although I was sorely tempted to call Hacker and ask him to open one up.  There is nothing to do in the Midwest, let me tell you.  At least it was only for four days that I had to put up with all this family values crap.  It's not that I don't love my family - I do - but really, the only ones I actually want to see are my parents.  I've got one cousin who's pregnant with her fourth child and I can't remember how many baby daddies she has anymore, another who has only two, by her one and only husband, but we like to call them Rosemary's Babies behind her back, and then there's my Uncle Lester with the perpetual sinus problems who periodically goes into the bathroom and makes these really weird honking noises to clear them. 

My Aunt Jessie insisted on watching A Waltons Thanksgiving Reunion which just about made me hurl from the saccharine-ness of it but she just thinks The Waltons is about the best family TV series ever made, ever, and last year she made us watch practically the whole first season on DVD (she's got the whole collection, natch).  I have exactly one relative who is, technically speaking, normal, and that's Quinn, who has a high-powered financial career like me except in Chicago instead of New York, so we mostly hung out at our end of the table and talked about how great the mid-term elections turned out and how the Republicans will finally put an end to Obama's mad plan to socialize America. 

So, now I'm back, in nice safe New York and also in 2010, on occasion, and I will be back to ripping the Democraps a new one every time they try to sneak some socialism past Senator Alan Simpson.  I am also putting the final touches on my book Young Republican, Yuppie Princess and still hope to have it out by Christmas.

So I hope you had a happy Thanksgiving, as we can now look forward to a brave new world of lower taxes, lower deficits, and lower unemployment!  Brought to you by the Grand Old Party of 2010!!!

Getting groped is a small price to pay for freedom!

Liberals just don't CARE that nutty terrorists with a hate-on for freedom are trying to kill us all!  It's been nothing but whine whine whine this week about the new TSA rules that stipulate airline travelers must either go through a full body scan or submit to a physical check to make sure they're not storing explosives in their underwear like the Christmas Bomber last year. Even some misguided Republicans are complaining about it.

Some nutbag threatened TSA with a lawsuit if they touched his nutbag after he refused the body scan.  He was, rightly, arrested.  I mean, how were they to know whether he was a terrorist or not?  Because a terrorist packing the most serious kind of heat would NOT want to go through a body scan machine, you know.  Nor would he want either a man or a woman touching his Precious.  Those Muslims, they have very strict rules about contact with a woman, and, of course, homosexuality!  So, that's how you tell who's a terrorist!  Because a real American wouldn't object to our government doing what it must to keep us safe.  Hell, even Obama agreed on this point, and when's the last time he actually got something right?

Look, if you're fat or have a prosthesis or a penile implant or you're on your period or whatever, just suck it up and do it for America!  Go through the body scanner with the full knowledge that even if the X-ray does wind up on YouTube some day, there's no way in hell anyone's gonna know it's you unless your mommy still sews your name into all your clothes.  And you guys need to stop worrying about whether it's totally gay to let another man touch your stuff. 

So SPREAD 'EM, baby!!!  It's only gay if you ENJOY it!

Ready to rumble, Republicans? Commiebama's baaaaaack!

Fresh off another G20 summit where fuck all got accomplished and nattering on about the START treaty with the Russians (the more time I spend in the 21st century, the less worried I am about the piddly-ass Russians and more concerned about psycho camel humpers with a hate-on for America), Commiebama announced he's ready to rumble with the Republicans.

Okay, he didn't put it in quite those terms but it was close enough - he said tax cuts for the rich "usually won't boost the economy and we can't afford it."  Which is Obamaspeak for, "I hate the rich because they're smarter and richer than me and if I had my way they'd turn all their money over to the Democraps to distribute to welfare queens, crack whores and AIDS-ridden homosexuals who were too stupid to wear a condom."

Of course, repealing Obamacare is at the top of the GOP's priority list, because Americans don't want affordable healthcare, they want JOBS, dammit, and they want them NOW!  Who cares about going to the doctor if you can't afford to do it?  What has Obama done to create jobs?  The unemployment rate is still at just under 10% and is not expected to dip below 8% for at least a few more years (hey, who's going to be President for a few more years?  Huh?  WHO?)

What we need is a good crime program, maybe a few billion to build more prisons the way Canada is doing, because the middle class is disappearing along with their jobs and you know what happens when poor people get pissed off.  Crime, vandalism, drugs, murder - it ain't gonna get any better, folks!  I've got a gun in New York City and I know how to use it.  (Hey - burnt-out Wall Street cokeheads are just as desperate as crackhead lowlifes in the Bronx!) 

So give them hell on Capitol Hill, my fellow Republicans!  And wear your Kevlar vests when you do!

 

Okay, it's way to late to gloat but....ahhhh, feck it! SOCIALISTS ARE LOSERS!!!

Man, I wanted to come back here and really rub liberals' faces in their recent trouncing but I just didn't have time.  My book is coming out shortly and I had to spend my evenings last week in Extreme Proofreading mode.  No time for Fox News, no time for YouTube moments of glory relived over and over again, no time to count the Republican winners who will destroy Obama's dreams of a Consumer Protection Agency or whatever (sounds like a Mafia racket!), just going through my golden words of wisdom to make sure everything was spelled properly and was grammatically, syntactically, and punctually correct.  (Or punctuatedly?  Well whatever!)

Young Republican, Yuppie Princess will be out shortly.  It tells the gripping tale of the idiot adventure my college friends and I went on in 1984 when our idiot friend Hacker opened up a portal to another world in his shower.  It was awful.  I came within an inch of my life to a fate worse than death.  But I made it out alive, and now I time-travel, once again thanks to Hacker, to 2010 to laugh at liberals but also, I admit, to try and save the Republican Party which has fallen quite far from the days of Ronald Reagan. 

Well, at least no one ever hears from the Religious Reich anymore.  Did Republicans finally kick them out of the Party?

The GOP won some battles - let's not lose the war!

I couldn't wait to come to 2010 on Tuesday to see how the mid-term elections turned out.  And they were wonderful!  Elephants replaced jackasses all over the map, it was beautiful to behold.  However, the mood of the GOP victory party is a bit subdued and I can certainly see why.

Now that we've got some power again, what are we going to do with it?

Repealing affordable healthcare is always a good start, as is "financial reform" which is Democrapspeak for "punishing the rich."  Removing the threat of tax hikes for the rich is also a good plan, but in the short-term, none of these things is going to improve the economy or put people back to work.  So I hit the streets of New York and asked some fellow Republicans what the plan was, and, well, it sounded like we don't really have any...

This is NOT good, folks.  We have two years to fix the economy, the housing mess and lower the unemployment rate before pissed-off Americans go to the polls again, and if they only gave Commiebama two years to fix things before tossing out the incumbents, how long do you think we'll  have?

Since the GOP is wisening up to the realization that Sarah Palin is a game-loser for us, it's time to start grooming a real Republican candidate for 2012.  I mean, finding someone who can beat Commiebama can't be that hard, but what about those congressional elections?  We can't forget those either.  What if the power reverses, and we get a Republican president with a Democratic Congress?

What makes matters worse is, and I hate to admit this, but the Tea Party is quickly becoming a liability for us.  They've got a lot of good ideas, and they fear the same things I do, but their commitment to into-the-stratosphere conspiracy theories just makes me cringe.  I mean, for all Commiebama's faults, I don't worry that he's a secret Muslim or that he was born in Kenya.  We laugh at the loony left when they claim George Bush was behind 9/11, but then we keep a straight face when our side claims Obama is trying to take over the world for the New World Order?  Cripes, Pat Robertson is forever yammering on about the New World Order back in 1987 and he sounds like a complete lunatic then, too.

Turning the great USA into a socialist nation is no way to go about solving our problems, but the only organization with even fewer good ideas for fixing our problems than the Republicans & Democraps at the moment is the Tea Party.  Guys, if we're going to destroy our chances in 2012 by catering to numbnuts then I choose Sarah Palin.  She'll get more votes because she's prettier.